The last streak that almost destroy my state of mind and what make me feel even worst than I was feeling right now is when I decided to help my parents out at their new grocery store. I went to see a psychologist last Tuesday to see what problem I may have, and she told me that my situation at home may have caused me to shut myself down to others. That was part of the reason why.

Another reason a friend of mine told me, I may have many experiences outside of Montreal. Despise all this, I still lack a lot of interaction skills many people have acquired since their childhood. It’s true I never really like being in a group or hang out with more than two people. I guess it’s time to change this… I`m going out to socialize more.

Currently, I’m taking drawing classes with my siblings, looking for a full-time job, made my application at Lasalle College for the Travel Agency night course and I’m attending a Catholic church to help me open up to others. I’m still deciding if I should attend the last volunteering meeting tomorrow for the Matsuri festival at 2:30 pm. or spend more time at the church event. A huge part of me wants to attend the Matsuri featival…well… Because I went to Japan last year and I may be able to open up to people more easily. Not to mention, I love Japan. Hehe!!

Welcome to my recovery period… I’m going to gain more experiences around Montreal then I’ll move out of the house for good. I’m going to plan this better… and more responsibly.

Wish me luck!!

Starting today, I will think less and do more of things.

Wish me luck!

I believe one should live life reinventing themselves when the time called for it..The ability to improve, learn and adapt to changes are what make us happy. Instead of dwelling on the past memories, we can make it better today. I used to be very shy back in Elementary, High School and Cegep. The past two years, I decide to backpack and to talk to more people who are different than me. Now, I can say that life was good back then but this one is much better because I have conquered part of my shyness and I got out of my shell a bit more.

Reinventing myself takes dedication and most importantly, patience. I am excited to see what change I’m going to experience this summer as I predict it will be closer to the dream person that I want to be.

For the rest of my summer vacation, I’m excited to see where my life will take me.

Last class, I asked the teacher if I can get private classes in exchange of the free class I got (2 for 1 if you sign up for a class special). She said no but she offered me a discount for four private classes… Yes! I’m starting my private class tomorrow and I’ll be working on the aspect of music. Wish me luck!

My new friends taught me a lot about life… and both of them gave me the guidance I needed to continue on. It’s crazy how much things have been going on in the past two months. I remember on the night I left the house, my intuition was telling me that everything is going to be alright and something good will come in my way… I don’t know what it was exactly. After travelling all summer and going to New Orleans last February, A few days after my New Orleans trip, I was looking through pictures of myself from the past years and I’ve been asking to myself if I was actually living the life I wanted. What I learned is that I realized, life is never going to turn out how I picture it and that part of the unknown is what has keeps me growing. You learn through the experiences you went through, especially the ones that have been something you want to do and you aren’t sure if it was going to happen the way you expect it to be or it is going to be an entirely different thing. The lesson you learn will either be positive or negative, depends how you approach on these experiences.

I guess at the moment, I realized that I’ve been spending a lot of years doubting myself and I haven’t done much in the past years after my Vancouver trip back in 2005 and my Morocco trip back in 2008 to call this life of mine fulfilling. In another way, I mean to say that I’ve been pretty proactive in my choice of going with the flow in life instead of going against it but it’s not enough especially when my growth has kept going on ever since my summer trip last year. It’s never too late people say but I guess I’m a little impatient. However, it does not mean I do not enjoy the present, I do. I’m only 21 they say, but there are plenty of opportunities out there I want to get. I felt like I miss out on a lot of things in life but I did a lot for my age, but it’s not enough!!

The best thing I can say now is that I quit my long time job at Tim Horton’s last summer and I decided to take a shot of what the unknown has for me. So far, it has stirs me into the right direction. I can’t talk too much about it yet but things are looking up pretty nicely.

I would like to mention that I’ve been put down on a lot of people who can’t see me for anything thing else other than the girl who has not much going on in her life. I guess at a certain point, it is true but a lot of things have changed since then.

Here is my story:

 While I was talking with the superintendent and the tenants of the apartment I wanted, my intuition was sending me red signals from left to right because a lot of things were wrong. One of them is that the tenants living there were acting strange especially the girlfriend who is trying to lure me into taking the apartment.

My answer after visiting the apartment was: Yes, I’ll take it. The apartment is beautiful.

It really was pretty to be honest but it must be the way they decorate the big room. It doesn’t even look like a 1 1/2 apartment because the place is so huge. However, when I was about to leave, the woman tenant was looking at me with troubling eyes while she closes the door. I didn’t know what was going on but my intuition was telling me that something isn’t right but I persist on continuing to follow the tenant (doh!).

When we got upstairs, she knocks into someone doors and mumbling something at the guy. The teant near the entrance door was looking at me strangely and the guy who came in from the entrance was also looking at me weirdly. I got really scared… I brush it off again (Big mistake).

When we got out, I decided to test her and ask about the mail box. She seems very irritated when I ask her that question and we headed to another apartment next door. In my head, I was wondering why the hell are we doing in another apartment? I decided to call my room mate best friend about the apartment and she told me to ask her if there are others beside me who wants the apartment. When I hang up, I ask her the questions and she said yes while passing me a paper to fill my information out. I notice that they were asking personal questions such as bank account, social security number and no written rules or anything that looks like a lease. And I have to pay half the rent for the first month of July. While filling out my name and other general information, I ask her what type of person is renting the apartment.

Here how the conversation goes:

She said: A retired old black man.

I said: Yeah, did he sign the lease?

She: No. He is in the process of negotiating with the owner.

I said: Will I be guaranteed the apartment?

She: No, if the guy gets it. You won’t.

I: Then why should I pay you half the balance and sign the lease if I’m not guaranteed an apartment?

She: If you get the apartment, we’ll call you.

I: If I don’t, will I get my money back?

She: Yes.

I: What if I decide not to take the apartment?

She: We keep the money.

I (got aggressive): It doesn’t make sense that I won’t be guaranteed an apartment even if I pay half of it and if I decide not to get it, then I’m not getting my money back? What is this?

She (feels intimitated): ….

I: Can I talk to the landlord about this? I want to speak to him now please.

She: No, you can’t. It’s… euh… private.

I: What are you talking about? He owns the place and I should be able to meet with him.

Then that goes on and I was literally chocking her with my questions and my demands to talk to the owner, I got to the point that I was questioning from her and I get no answers but a groan from her. Well, I got to talk to the fake landlord on the phone but my emotions got the best of me. Instead of rationalizing with my head that he doesn’t seem like a tenant to me, I talk to him convincing him that I want the apartment and the girl was happy that I was convince. I signed the lease without my personal information. Well… Effing big mistake. If I only know that a lease could lead me into suing me for not meeting my obligations as a tenant, I wouldn’t have sign it. Good thing she told me that I don’t need to pay up the half rent because I already decide not to.

Still… My emotions took over and I was literally asking her for the apartment. My emotion was telling me, I am looking for a place to call my home and that place was nice. I didn’t sign anything but the general information on where I am living and where I work. If I have gotten anything further than that, I would’ve gotten scam big time.

The meeting ends up of her telling me she’ll call me. When I got back to my friend’s apartment, I talk with my room mates and they said it was a scam. My intuition was right from the start but I let the emotion get to me. A few hours later, I decide to call her to say I don’t want the apartment and I want it to the thrown away please.

Was I stupid? Hell ya.

Can I explain please?

I guess that emotions I felt were wanting security. A place where I can feel at home… It was just that. My family never provides me that comfort of actually being at home and that place felt like home. Little do I know that I was at the right time to look for an apartment in Montreal. My room mate told me if I don’t get along with people in the building, then I should not take it. I was totally desperated for a place to call my home that I sign the lease because I was looking for a place to stay. Yeah, I was being stupid.

I pray everyday that this incidence won’t come back to bite me. There was no written consent or anything on the paper. Geez… Lucky as hell!

Lesson learned: Don’t let the emotions gets the best of you. Seriously… Don’t.

I know I did and thank god it wasn’t anything serious. Prove that I don’t know much about life as I should be but it was a big lesson to learn. Glad, it won’t put me in a bad situation at this moment of my life.

 Now that I know better, I’m going to look for other apartments this weekend. Wish me luck!

Here is a good news after this effin post, I got a temporary job as a survey calling.

Cheers!

The past few weeks have been a life changing experience. First of all, I’ve been looking for my apartment around Montreal and I almost got scam once. Not the best experience but it has been a journey of education for me. Then I attend a few underground shows and a Hip Hop class, it was different but I love it neverthless.

Overall, the experiences I’m having have shaped me into a better person every day. I am looking forward to move out, work, dance and just… Enjoy life the way I envision it.

Can’t wait till summer… Lots of things coming up!

Until then, wish me luck for my finals.

Lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of happy music and I’ve been dancing a lot… Um… Alone. Haha… This Saturday, I’m going to be attending two free dance classes next to my friend’s apartment.

At the end of this month, I’m going to miss living in downtown! Seriously!

My friend told me I’m growing up. Really? Does the fact that I feel different and probably strange in my own body really means that I’m maturing. All these years, I thought I’ve grown but I haven’t experience something like this.

No matter how great it sounds like, I have to learn to deal with people I live with and my surroundings  from now on. In a sense, I am beginning to feel the need to have a strong sense of community where I want to do things not for myself, but I want to do things for others as well. Ever since I know how to take care of myself, I feel ready to take care of others. In another word, I feel like I could help others.

Here is a beautiful song from Damian Marley, Nas and K’naan – Africa must wake up